Ruminations and recipes from a small kitchen in a big city.

17.4.15

Black Dog.

The black dog stayed at our house for four weeks. A year old, he had never been in a house. He had lived in a kennel (a professional one; not a box in someone's back yard) but had never been trained to race. He was obviously well-treated and was in good condition.

Typically for these dogs, he was frightened of all the usual domestic noises and jumped at his reflection in a mirror. After living in a concrete quadrangle, a house with dark rooms, and doorways, and blinds that suddenly fly up, and electronic beeping devices must, for dogs, resemble a kind of maze, or a canine ghost train.

He got used to it. That's the point of fostering greyhounds; not to make them forget about chasing small animals, which is what people think. As a sight hound for thousands of years, you have as much chance of stopping a greyhound sighting small animals as you have of stopping a bloodhound sniffing or a sheepdog herding. The idea is simply to get them used to initially frightening situations.

Black Dog, whose name is Lou, is our first foster dog for several years; earlier dogs mentioned here.

Left to right: William, Thomas, Lou the Black Dog and Alexandra.

*

Another favourite Black Dog:
Hey hey mama said the way you move
gonna make you sweat gonna make you groove

16.4.15

Blackers forgets where he is.

3AW announcers are doing extra shifts on besieged sister station Magic 1278. Veteran fill-in announcer John Blackman on air yesterday morning: "And now the three-aye-dub ... ah, the Magic 1278 Community Calendar ... ."

14.4.15

Countdown rolls on: Top Ten Vegetables of All Time.

NO. 6: CABBAGE

Cabbage? Yes, cabbage. Loathed by millions, ignored by billions, the densely-packed, heavy-headed Orbness of Wonderment remains a vegetable champion, a wealth of culinary riches. The reasons are manifold and the recipes are boundless, but seven will suffice:

1. Cabbage soup. In its eastern European incarnation, made famous in Melbourne at the late Scheherezade restaurant, fragrant paprika-stung folds of wilted cabbage in a flavour-filled broth that you soaked up with dark rye bread smeared with butter, the soup topped with a mound of peppery mashed potato. Possibly the finest soup on the face of the Earth (although I've said that before).

2. Take two slices of white bread. Butter both generously. On one, lay a half-inch-thick slice of home-made meatloaf, still warm from the oven. Top the meatloaf with a thick layer of traditional freshly made coleslaw dripping with mayonnaise. Close the sandwich. Eat. The experience is other-worldly, perhaps even other-universely.

3. Cabbage adds a little je ne sais quoi (except I do) to gado-gado, that quintessential expression of the East, a flavour eruption of peanuts, chili, lemon and soy. And then there's kim chi. Heaven, if you live in Asia or can replicate it anywhere else in the world.

4. Cabbage without the flavour eruption (possibly without the flavour full stop): how my mother used to cook it – boiled in a very large pot (seven children) to be served alongside corned beef with white sauce. The cabbage was so well-boiled, it squeaked when you ate it. It might have lacked flavour then, but it now holds a certain nostalgic retro appeal for me. (1960s food fad fact: cabbage water was as hyped then as the paleo diet is now. Drink cabbage water and live forever!)

5. And while fads come and go like a foodie's instagrammed meal, some things remain the same. It is estimated that since the 1950s, Marathon Foods has turned 75 billion heads of cabbage into 300 million Chiko rolls and six billion dim sims. These incredible numbers prove that six million bogans can't be wrong: if you've never grabbed a hot Chiko roll or a fried dim sim drowned in soy sauce from a fish and chip shop run by Greek immigrants you either don't live in Melbourne or you're a foodie. In which case, enjoy your amaranth.

6. Colcannon.

7. Traditional fat pork sausages gently fried to a turn are nothing without a side of shredded red cabbage gently cooked with vinegar, apple, spices, garlic, salt and pepper. Sweet, sour, bitter – and all in one dish.

10.4.15

William (green shirt) listens at three-quarter time huddle during Coburg practice match (v. Frankston), Coburg City Oval, Friday April 3.
(Picture courtesy Coburg FC.)

Voice of summer silent.

RIP Richie Benaud.

8.4.15

The top ten vegetables of all time. No. 7: Leek.

The most fragrant of all vegetables, the leek is the prince of the onion family and the national emblem of Wales.

Leeks were grown in ancient Egypt and mentioned in a Chinese food guide 3500 years ago. The emperor Nero dined on leek soup, believing it would strengthen his voice for orations. Superstition? I don't know. Ask Tom Jones, Sir Harry Secombe, Katherine Jenkins, Bryn Terfel, Geraint Evans, and the Male Welsh Choir.

The following recipe alone shoots leek into the top ten vegetables of all time, but that's just one. Then you have leek terrines, leek tarts, leek pie, leeks with pasta (or with mushrooms and gorgonzola - totally delicious), and leek omelette, or as it is sometimes more pretentiously known, leek frittata. (The only difference as I understand it is that with a frittata you mix the ingredients through the eggs before cooking; whereas with an omelette you dump the extras on to the eggs in the cooking pan. Big deal.)

Leek and Potato Soup

Leeks and potatoes are often pureed into a smooth soup, but I find pureed soups as monotonous as hospital food.

My version should really be called a stew. It turns the same ingredients into a satisfying main course meal with discrete pieces. If we are still calling it a soup, it is probably the most appetite-satisfying in existence; its chunky ingredients, dairy-filled goodness and house-filling aroma making it the king of soups.

Cut three rashers of bacon into small squares. Fry in olive oil until almost crisp but not quite.

Cut two large leeks into thin rounds, rinsing those towards the green end for grit. Add to pot with a knob of butter. Stir while the leeks soften.

Peel and chop three large potatoes into cubes. Add to pot. Add enough chicken stock to barely cover the vegetables. Cook long enough to soften the vegetables and reduce the fluid.

Before serving, add a cup or two of milk and plenty of white pepper, and reheat gently. Ladle into large bowls. Top with a small mountain of grated cheddar and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

2.4.15

Countdown continued: the top ten vegetables of all time.

NO. 8: CAULIFLOWER

There's no getting around it. A cauliflower is a cauliflower. It is not an asparagus spear. It is not a zucchini flower, nor is it a porcini mushroom. It is not a superstar. It is not sexy. As far as vegetables go, cauliflower is Mr Plain, cooked by plain people who happen to be hungry.

You could fiddle about with cauliflower and cook in it curries with chickpeas and cashews; or you could impress your dinner party guests by cutting a cauliflower into fancy look-at-me florets, cooking them with tortiglioni and pine nuts and red pepper flakes, and calling it by some regional Italian name that you've dragged out of some cookbook or just made up; but cauliflower, basic as it is, rockets into the Top Ten Vegetables of All Time thanks to one transcendent recipe of perfection: cauliflower cheese.

The ultimate vegetable comfort food, a dish that was a smash hit the first time cauliflower and cheese collided, possibly by accident, cauliflower cheese is outstanding straight out of the oven, yet is bizarrely satisfying eaten cold straight out of the fridge at four in the morning after a night on the tiles. All that chilled cheesy goodness! Cauliflower cheese is boredom-proof, thanks to the immense variety of cheeses God bestowed on us, via His ingenious invention of the cow, the goat, the sheep, the buffalo, the camel, the reindeer and certain other domesticated grazing animals. I have only tried the first three or four, so I cannot vouch for camel cheese, but I am sure it is delicious. It has to be. It's cheese. There is no bad cheese.

Cauliflower cheese.

Trim a head of a cauliflower, making a conical hole in the main stem, and pierce or slit the thicker branches to assist these in softening before the florets go mushy. Boil it with plenty of salt and pepper until almost softened. No more. It will cook further in the oven.

Melt two tablespoons of butter in a pot, add four tablespoons of plain flour, stir off the flame to make a roux, add three cups of hot milk, stir until smooth. Now add the cheese, a cupful. Cheddar! Emmenthal! Blue! Whatever! Mix them up. It doesn't matter. For an ironic twist that will leave your foodie friends speechless, blend Roquefort with Bega Bar-B-Cubes. For ease – and that's what this comfort dish is all about – buy one of those packs of ready-grated cheese that combines three varieties.

Place the cauliflower in a snug buttered baking dish, tip over the cheese sauce, add the same volume of grated cheese again on the top and around the sides, and bake until cheese is bubbling, golden and irresistible.

Sprinkle with paprika and serve as a side dish alongside freshly-carved, very rare spit-roasted beef with hot mustard, and a cold beer.

31.3.15

2 p.m. update.


The whole thing has gone on for well over two years, after the 'blackest day in Australian sport' circus, starring a cast of glowering bureaucrats, politicians and sports administrators.

During the two years, the letter writers just didn't go away, like those 4 a.m. mosquitoes you'd like to swat but can't make yourself wakeful enough to do so.

Not to mention the social media twits.

'I have torn up my ticket,' they proclaimed. 'I no longer wish to be associated nor identified with such an organisation.' Pomposity meets verbosity.

'I will never attend another game. Nor will my children.' A bit harsh. What if they were to change their mind?

'I do not want my children exposed to such a culture.'

'I am no longer a follower.'

'I have written to the board expressing my dismay.'
What, as well as a letter to the editor? Some people had nothing better to do than sit around the house writing sanctimonious letters to newspapers about the Essendon Football Club.

Hundreds of them. All written with pens dripping pious ink. That's metaphoric, of course. Nobody uses pens any more.

Then there was another letter. Its author wrote that he was a pensioner in his seventies and hoped the other letter writers would be true to their word. If you're going to tear your ticket up, he suggested, make sure you do tear the bloody thing up. Don't change your mind. Wouldn't want to bump into you at a game.
The expression he used was 'thick and thin' but that might as well have meant sausages to the twits.

The next day, someone called Steve wrote that the pensioner would be the kind of person he would want to be with in the trenches. Someone with a bit of spine.

Thick and thin.

*

Today's letter of the day:
I'm looking forward to Tuesday's guilty verdict in the Essendon drug saga. Signed: Magpie Marcus.
Magpie Marcus probably wishes he had waited 24 hours before submitting his letter.

(Image courtesy Herald Sun.)

30.3.15

Rock'n roll heaven.

Thanks to Ilana of Inner-FM who played our four-track request on her fabulous Saturday night show Rock'n Roll Heaven on which she plays all the legends. Our set ended with greatest bluegrass song of all time, Bill Monroe's Blue Moon of Kentucky, performed by Mr E. Presley. Thanks Ilana.

26.3.15

Countdown continues: the top ten vegetables of all time.

NO. 9: ASPARAGUS

Although commonplace now, the semi-mystical asparagus still provokes sighs of pleasurable anticipation when served to grateful diners.

People go to any lengths (pardon the pun) to collect this delicacy, even risking encounters with snakes and traffic, as Donaldo Saveiro observed:
Robust ladies in rubber boots, carrying sticks to ward off vipers, can be seen constantly patrolling the highways and backroads here in Umbria from March through June in a perennial search for wild asparagus (asparagi selvatici) that grow along the roadways, so fond are the Umbrians of spaghetti alla boscaiola and tagliatelle con salsa di asparagi.
- La Vera Cucina Italiana, Macmillan, 1991

Unceremoniously chopped into pasta is one thing, but chefs are often tempted by the long, delicate slenderness of the asparagus spear to over-design. I was once served twelve asparagus placed radially on an oversize white round plate. A cherry tomato sat in the centre and black drops of some kind of infused oil had been placed meticulously between each spear, to give it the fashionable splattered look without actually having been splattered. In other words, artfully instead of artlessly. Apprentice chefs will know what I mean. I think the oil was truffle, but it might have been Castrol. The plate looked like a car wheel with worn bearings. I wasn't sure whether to eat the spears clockwise or anti-clockwise, then I remembered the old rule about tightening wheel nuts: you go next to the diametric nut. So I ate them that way.

The lesson is, never over-design food. The presentation of food should stimulate the appetite, not the inner architect.

What to do with asparagus:

1. Barbecue or grill a bunch of asparagus. Serve on an oval platter with a cruet of Vietnamese dipping sauce. Sprinkle with shredded Asian basil.

2. Steamed and serve with poached eggs, shavings of parmigiano and a light shower of freshly cracked pepper.

3. Cook angel hair pasta. Chop asparagus into one inch lengths and steam with snow peas. Lightly poach a chicken breast in white wine and garlic, then cube and toss with cooked pasta and vegetables.

4. Grill asparagus and scatter crumbled blue vein cheese, capers, cracked pepper and a dash of vinaigrette.

5. Asparagus, salmon and baby potato salad. Combine potatoes and asparagus in a bowl. Fold through a can of red salmon. Top with mayonnaise and a few capers.

6. Rigatoni with broad beans and asparagus: cook pasta, shell and boil a cup of broadbeans, steam asparagus, then sauté both for a minute in olive oil and chopped garlic, combine with pasta, add cubed feta and chopped parsley.

*

Historical footnote:
We take fresh asparagus for granted now (even if some of it comes from Peru in the off-season) but in the past more asparagus was bought in the tin than fresh. Edgell canned asparagus provided sandwiches for generations of picnic-day racegoers or government house open day guests. Quite nice actually, on wholemeal with a smear of mayonnaise and some cracked pepper, or rolled in crustless white bread.

18.3.15

Countdown: the top ten vegetables of all time.

A panel of experts commissioned by Mr Kitchen Hand has come up with a definitive list of the world's top ten best-loved vegetables.

The panel was plied with pizza and red wine during a marathon session behind locked doors before announcing the results. We commence the countdown at No. 10, below.

The Top Ten Vegetables of All Time

NO. 10: ZUCCHINI.

Zucchini is the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of the vegetable world. Boil the hell out of it and you'll serve up a bland vegetable with a slightly bitter aftertaste - and you'll never cook it again.

But treat it with the respect this green marrow-like vegetable deserves, and it turns into a completely different article.

Marry zucchini with fiery flavours, barbecue it after marinading it, or stuff it with ... just about anything. Cheap, easy to cook, and widely available, the zucchini deserves its place in the Top Ten, despite the reservations of some of the panel.

Steamed zucchini.

Sounds innocuous, but makes a great side dish for a lamb roast.

Slice two large zucchini into rounds, put in a pot with two medium sliced onions, two tablespoons of butter, a dash of dried chervil (or use dill or other fragrant herb), a pinch of cayenne, a teaspoon of sugar, a tablespoon of chopped parsley and salt and pepper to taste. Add a few tablespoons of water. The idea is to soften the zucchini and onion gently so that they take up the flavours slowly. You end up with a buttery texture and magnificent flavour.

Stuffed zucchini with raisins.

Zucchinis grow quite large but are harvested at half their natural size. If you have larger ones (not too large - they turn into solid baseball bats), stuff and bake them. Try this Sicilian recipe for a change.

Take three large zucchinis, trim ends, slice two of them in two down the middle, and scoop out the pulp to produce a canoe shape with a quarter-inch shell.

Chop the third zucchini and the pulp of the first two.

Meanwhile, plump a heaping tablespoon of raisins in warm water.

Heat some olive oil in a pan, add the chopped zucchini, a chopped onion, and a scored clove of garlic. Sauté while stirring.

Add the raisins, a tablespoon of toasted pine nuts, a tablespoon of chopped mint, a pinch of chilli powder, salt and pepper. Stir. Add two tablespoons of white wine. Stir.

Now add a quarter cup of breadcrumbs and a tablespoon of grated parmigiano or packet parmesan. You want a firm consistency. Adjust with small additions of breadcrumbs and cheese.

Press into zucchini canoes, mounding them up. Place them on an oiled baking tray and place in oven. When doing this, try not to let the canoes slide off your baking tray, which is now effectively an oiled slipway. This happened to me the first time I did these.

Bake 30 minutes. Finish under a grill to brown.

*

All right, the pedants are on to us. Zucchini is actually a fruit, but that is only its botanical descriptor. The judging panel's position on the matter is: if it tastes like a vegetable and it looks like a vegetable, it is a vegetable. No correspondence will be entered into. Judges' decision is final. See PDS for details. This product may not be right for you. Etc, etc. Blah, blah. Several vegetables were harmed during the making of this survey. Terms and conditions apply. LMCT5555.

17.3.15

He wasn't Irish.

I've posted the following recipe before, but it bears repeating. It works well at this time of year in Australia when, during the cooler days of early autumn, thoughts turn to casseroles and stews. While today is forecast to reach 28 degrees, the sky is slate grey and the wind is whipping drizzle across the city, where sentimental workers are right now lining up at pubs and bars for Guinness.

Irish stew.

Roughly slice two large onions; cut four large potatoes into rounds as thick as the head on a pint of Guinness; chop four carrots the same way.

Place lamb forequarter or neck chops in a large pot with alternate layers of onions, potatoes and carrots. Add water to just cover; add salt and pepper and plenty of chopped curly-leaf parsley.

Bring to boil, skim and simmer 90 minutes. Cool and chill overnight. Next day, remove fat before reheating. Serve with barley, colcannon or simple mashed potato.

Colcannon.

Some consider this more delicious than the actual stew and they could be right. Peel four medium potatoes, cook until soft. Mash.

Meanwhile, shred a quarter cabbage (I prefer Savoy) and cook it for ten minutes, or until just turning transparent. Drain. Melt two tablespoons of butter in a pan, add the boiled cabbage and a cup of chopped spring onions. Fry, stirring, on low heat for a minute or two.

Now fold the cabbage and onion mixture through the mashed potato, add enough warm milk to give it a creamy consistency, add white pepper (never black), pile up on plates and serve with extra butter melting in its crevasses.

Pour a stout with a creamy foaming head and thank St Patrick, who incidentally was a Scot. There's a conversation stopper for your St Patrick's Day party.

*

My earliest St Patrick's Day memory is one of the annual marches at which Archbishop Mannix had Melbourne's entire Catholic school population gather in the Treasury Gardens, and then march up to the Cathedral in massed columns, like legions of Roman soldiers. Mannix had always been politically influential, but renewed his efforts after the Labor split of the mid-1950s, when half of Labor sided with the communists. These days they pal up with the criminal class.

13.3.15

High Noon.

Sometimes you can't help overhearing conversations. Even one-way ones. Occasionally the one-way ones are even more interesting, because having to imagine the unheard replies makes you listen even closer.

It was late morning on a warm, overcast autumn day. I stood at the checkout queue by the customer service desk at the Rye store of one of the two major supermarkets. While I waited I daydreamed out the front window towards the beach across the road.

A voice behind the service desk brought my attention back inside. It was a middle-aged staff member, talking on the phone, obviously to the store manager. She looked flustered.

"A customer is coming to see you. She was here about an hour ago. She bought about six bags of shopping," the staff member was saying. "She rang the store a few minutes ago. I answered the phone. I've just hung up. She wants to bring it all back."

Pause. It was the manager's turn to speak.

The staff lady again: "Everything. She said she had shopped for lunch, and when she got home her guests had cancelled, and now she wants to bring everything back. And she wants a refund."

Pause.

"It's all fresh food. I told her the money back guarantee was if you're not satisfied with the quality of the products, not if your guests don't turn up or cancel. She wouldn't listen."

Pause.

"Fresh bread, cheese, cold meat, salami, pate, cold chicken, oysters, prawns, that kind of thing. Fresh fruit, milk, juice, and a few other things. Couple of hundred dollars. I told her we'd have to throw it straight in the skip, because we can't resell fresh food. She said that was our problem, and she didn't care what we did with it, and she just wanted her money back ... "

Pause.

"No, she wouldn't listen. Then she said we could afford it more than she could. She's on her way back right now with her shopping. She'll be here in about five minutes. She wants to see you and demand a full refund. She'll probably tell you I was rude."

Pause.

"Thanks. I'll call you as soon as she arrives."

She hung up, looking relieved. By now I'd moved forward to a checkout. It was five to twelve. I left the store. But I did think about waiting around for the showdown.

*

Look at that big hand move along
Nearin’ high noon.

10.3.15

Why was the broom so short?

This city is obsessed with coffee, that milky, jittery, machined addiction made by poseurs who call themselves baristas.

Just look at our major waste problem, the environmental disaster that is disposable take-away coffee cups littering the inner city. Disposable was supposed to mean single use, not throw it on the footpath or out the window or leave it under the train seat or on the park bench. They're everywhere. And now, the disposables are carried in a disposable cardboard multi-cup carrier. Insane. Aside from all that, no drink should ever be taken from cardboard or that abomination, polystyrene. Ban the lot of them. Hot drinks should only ever be drunk from porcelain or glass. All those inner urban Green-voting hipsters should live up to their 3Rs mantras. Reuse, recycle ... or recant, pretenders.

That brings us to the superior drink, tea; drunk by the silent minority – perhaps even majority – and appreciated for its loftier qualities, its more subtle pleasures. While coffee tastes like mud, tea's myriad flavour nuances are almost impossible to capture in words, ranging from savoury crushed leaf to the zesty scent of distant trees on fresh highland mountain air; powerfully satisfying yet with a finesse no coffee could approach. No wonder legendary Japanese director Ozu made a movie celebrating tea's flavour, which is inscrutable (to use an expression that has fallen out of use, but is nevertheless a very good one). Coffee could never be described as inscrutable. Obvious, yes. Inscrutable, no.

I drained my teacup and turned my thoughts from comparing tea with coffee to the garden. It was still a jungle, but now I thought I had its measure. Amazing what a tea break will do.

First, I wondered how to get rid of the fire hydrant. I could surreptitiously place it on a street corner where it would look quite at home, posing less of environmental threat than ten million abandoned cardboard coffee cups.

Pondering that problem, I entered a shrubbery of some large-leafed exotic. Pushing aside a couple of leaves the size of elephants' ears, I gazed at several large pieces of semi-rigid steel mesh, the kind that is used for training espalier plants. The edges had been trimmed at the ends of the horizontals instead of the usual, and safer, continuous edge; leaving a dozen or so lethal rusty six-inch bayonets on each piece, pointing directly at the eye of whoever may happen to venture behind the foliage. Since the garden is still frequently played in by grandchildren who hit balls into the corners, I removed the steel mesh sheets, folded them by wrestling them over and over into smaller folds while standing on one end, and dumped them into the rubbish.

Later, while putting away some spare pots in the shed, I had to step over a 10kg bag of weed and feed. It was so old, the plastic bag was breaking down, and fine dust was seeping out, making a haze in the close air of the shed. Keep out of reach of children, the label read, where you could still read it. Wear a mask while applying, it said. And, wash hands after use. The contaminated shed also held cricket and tennis balls and bats and racquets and other playthings, doubling as a playhouse for the grandchildren of the household. I found a garbage bag, bagged up the weeping chemical cocktail and threw it out.

Back in the garden, I dug away layers of dirt and leaf mould in another corner to reveal some original edging that could have been decades old: a single line of carefully mortared red bricks on an edge strip of concrete. It probably hadn’t seen light since the 1970s.

Nearly finished for the day. I was clearing a pathway where I had removed some invasive seaside daisies. I should have used my own broom, but I'd left it in the car, and there was one standing by the fence. It was an odd short-handled one that looked like it was made for midgets. I picked it up and made one broad stroke. It was far too short. The end of the handle passed through my hands, something flew off its end, and I felt a kind of coldness in my small finger. I knew what had happened even before I looked. I picked up the broom. Sure enough. It was one of those cheap aluminium handle shafts that bend easily. Someone had at one time broken it right off, placing the cap loosely over the new end, which was jagged. It had cut through my finger like a knife. It was a clean cut, between the first and second joints. I threw the broom in the bin with all the other junk. That was the end of the day's work. Sometime I don’t know when to stop.

The yard had seemed much smaller now, than when I had grown up here in the 1960s. They always do.

6.3.15

Anyone lost a fire hydrant?

It was just a slightly complicated garden if you were visiting, but if you had to work on it, it was a jungle. I was working on it, first time in years.

"Mow the lawn," was the brief, but that was just shorthand for tidy the garden after forty years of neglect. And 'lawn' was a metaphor, albeit a possibly unintended one, unless she was being ironic. Language is difficult.

The canopies of some of trees were just about down to the ground so it was hard to get the mower underneath let alone myself, being six feet tall. I kind of laid flat and pushed it under like one of those roller trolleys mechanics use to slide under cars. Other sections of lawn were dotted with various rampant ground cover plantings that had wandered from the areas intended to be covered. I went around these and erred on the side of mowing as much of them back as possible.

Half an hour of lawnmower gymnastics and the air was thick with dirt. There hadn't been a lot of grass at many points.

The next stage was to do a bit of tidying. This meant I had to enter undergrowth, where daylight barely entered. It's amazing what undergrowth will hide. The ground in here was not even. Broken crocks; dirt-encrusted clay figures that looked like they came from someone's year seven art classes; a couple of Buddha figures, still smiling despite the humiliation of being covered in dirt and laying on their faces; old tennis balls with no colour left; some empty wire hanging baskets that were almost rusted away. Two maidenhair ferns, hanging grimly onto life, were not much more than compacted balls of roots and earth. Each sat on ancient 1970s plastic and tubular steel chairs. The plastic was half gone and the tubular legs were rusted through and when I moved them, they collapsed slowly, like shot gangsters in a B-grade movie. I threw the maidenhair ferns into a corner and took the chairs back out into the daylight, where the remaining plastic spontaneously turned to dust. That got me three feet further into the jungle, where it was even darker. In the gloom, beneath trailing vines and the foliage of several different varieties of shrub or tree, I found a road sign. A road sign? How did that get there? Then, in the corner, a fire hydrant. Yes, a fire hydrant. Someone in that family had been a serial civil infrastructure thief. I felt like an archaeologist, or a detective.

Two hours had elapsed. I moved to another corner of the garden. A very large clump of untidy jasmine was growing on the ground, as if in some botanical experiment to discover what jasmine does if you don't train it on something. Here's what happens: it sends fronds out, both above and below ground, and trains itself. If a fence or a tree is a hundred metres away, it will find it. I started reeling in fronds, or whatever they are called, with my bare hands. I must have dragged in several kilometres of the stuff. A lot of it was white, which meant it had travelled underground. The longest one would easily have travelled through the rear property, gone under Hoffman's Road, and reached Niddrie, possibly even St Bernard's College. When I had most of it back in its home State, I cut its parent plant off at the roots, rolled it up, and put it behind the shed for disposal later. It looked like one of those cable reels they string telephone lines under oceans with.

Then I rested. I was half done.